Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
