Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
