the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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