she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
