Can i not drive my cunt home
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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