Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
