Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
