the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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