my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
