I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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