my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
