If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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