I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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