I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
