I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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