Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
