i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
