I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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