im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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