Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
