I could make wine with my vomit
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
