I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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