did you get engaged???
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Floor bacon is actually really good
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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