I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
