the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
