So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
