So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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