9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
