HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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