Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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