Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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