Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
