if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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