I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
