i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
