You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
