i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
