I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
