Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
