he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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