ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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