i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
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I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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