Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
