I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
