I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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