what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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