hotel room ftw
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
