It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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