i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
