Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
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3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car