Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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