he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
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Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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