i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just tell him i said nine months
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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