I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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