Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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