remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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