just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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