Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
