i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.